A Closer Look at D2 The Mighty Ducks

We all know that movie sequels rarely live up to their original piece, but every so often comes a movie that breaks this rule. A perfect example of this exception can be seen through The Empire Strikes Back, The Godfather Part II, and even for some people Toy Story 2. Disney's epic piece of art D2: The Mighty Ducks does not just break this rule however; it shatters it.

While The Mighty Ducks was a fantastic family film that told a clique underdog story about a group of urban Minnesota kids who go from complete and total herbs to true champions in the world of Pee-Wee hockey, it also told the story of a selfish work-aholic lawyer who we are to believe is living the dream-- winning every case handed to him, "scoring" with rival female lawyers as he so cleverly puts himself, and most importantly making bank. After a DUI, he is sentenced to community service where he is put in charge of the shitty hockey team he makes look like Special Olympic contenders turned professionals over night. It made bank at the box-office, so clearly a sequel was in order. Fans not only got a sequel though; Disney gave them a true story of love, teamwork, and most importantly a reminder that people from Iceland are communist assholes who will break your beach-ball.

The movie starts out with Coach Gordan Bombay playing in the minor leagues one step away from the NHL. How all this happened so quickly after becoming Pee-Wee champions is not explained nor should it be; at this point we know that Gordon Bombay makes the world revolve around him somehow. (In the first movie, the number one hockey magazine in the country was placing Gordon Bombay's 'miracle' team on the cover of its publications therefore ignoring the NHL and NCAA competition at the time because face it, the Minnesota youth hockey league is much more intense.)

After taking a hit against the boards that is beyond weak, Bombay is down and out for good. Looks like its back to the boys for good old Coach. I don't really understand how the director of the movie could film the hit that takes down a God like Bombay and say, "Great job all around. Cut." Thank god that Emilio Estevez carries the skills in acting that the great Al Pacino, Robert Deniro, and Marlon Brando had and makes the viewers believers. Thanks to Estevez and the music in the background, the scene compares to some of the great dramatic scenes such as Simba watching his Dad die from that cocksucker Scar, and William Defoe getting gunned down in Vietnam midway through Platoon.

We next see Gordon waking up in bed in a skate shop with Jans and Charlie. I don't think its really normal to go and wake your Coach up in bed and tell him how much you missed him, but for Charlie Conway and Gordon Bombay that is life. Bombay moments later looking at a picture talking about how Charlie has grown only adds on to this homoeroticism. My guess is he keeps that picture in his drawer next to the lotion and tissues. And who the fuck is Jans? The movie couldn't track down Hans from the first movie? We'll get a new skate shop character, change one letter in his name, and for old times sake say his twin brother went back to the old country? Lazy writing? No. Pure and simple genius. Where else would a man named 'Hans' go?

It takes about two minutes after this for Gordon to decide to take the Ducks to the Jr. Goodwill Games; this is more or less a teenage Olympics. How do they get the team to represent USA with just Minnesota kids though? Simple. We'll add an Asian who figure skates, Hispanic who can't stop, and a redneck from Texas who says stick handling is 'easier than roping hogs!'. To add to the melting pot we have Dean Portman and Julie 'The Cat' Gaffney. Picture a muscle head who bumps Metallica whose mother most likely was a stripper and a lesbian.

Bombay's boss Don Tibbles is perhaps the gayest character in the film because of his dorky comments that only an actor with the range of Nicolas Cage could make likable. He is perhaps the only negative part of the movie. The team tutor Coach McKay is the hottest part of the movie and we can't help but root for Gordon to forget about Charlies slutty mother (who is still probably pouring coffee sucking dick on her lunch break) and move on to her. You can tell she is a phenomenal teacher when she says, "America is a country just like you guys. Young and awkward at times, but always on the search of greatness." I have no idea what the fuck this bitch means when she says that but I can't help but agree because she has a really nice voice. She could read 'Mein Kampf' to me, and I'd think it was moving just because of her tone. (Kidding.) The ensemble all hates each other but leave it up to Bombay to figure out the solution- Toby Keith and dancing. Within minutes the team is all best friends. USA all the way.

The teams first game against Jamaica is typcial 'Mighty Ducks'. As a matter of fact, when Jamaica scores their only goal the coach exclaims 'That is a goal 'mon!" in shock his team scored which is followed by bongos playing. Actually, I think he's in shock his team even knows how to skate. Many claim the scene uses racism and stereotypes here but I believe the Director was probably just trying to pay homage to 'Cool Runnings' obviously; another brilliant move. The game is a blowout and Ducks dominate. However, trouble lays ahead. At a post game conference the team is warned by a reporter that Iceland is looking quite strong. Bombay responds with some typical we'll do our best bullshit response you hear from every Coach. However he is cutoff by Wolf Stanton, coach of Iceland. "USA is going down. See you on the ice Bombay." Two small sentences, but one huge threat. Just by his black suit, fierce tone, and jelled back black hair the audience is already scared of Stanton. I would want him strip searched if I was Bombay because there is no doubt in my mind he is possessing a 9mm at all times. Stanton is one of the great villains in cinematic history; if you thought that Coach Riley was scary as the coach who told a young Bombay he lost it for the team you are yet to really experience the power of true evil. Stanton is a former NHL player known for the amount of teeth he knocked onto the ice and for hitting his coach out. Letrell Sprewell has nothing on Stanton. As soon as he is scolded for interrupting Bombay, he replies, "I thought this was America. What happened to freedom of speech?" Immediately we know he represents great Anti-Americans such as Hitler, Huesein, and so on. By the end of this movie, I'm in shock the USA doesn't invade Iceland.

Bombay quickly runs into Stanton and tries to start their relationship over. Fail. "I know my competition. I know you. Full of confidence and cocky. American. I like that," says a whispering Stanton. (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=J5bFGcGuamY) Bombay has met his match. Not only does he spit on the American flag yet again, he does it sporting an American accent. Film has not had a character this scary since Hannibal Lecter or anybody Liza Minelli has played.

As the movie continues to go on, the main two enforcers on the team spot Gordon Bombay eating ice cream with the Iceland trainer. I don't really know why they are so heartbroken over this, there are overtones of homosexual jealousy here perhaps? Personally if I had a coach as brilliant as Bombay I'd be hoping for him to get laid right away. The film skips to the first game against Iceland. The overall tone of this game is set by Averman mock interviewing Greg Goldberg.

Averman: What do you think its going to take to win tonight.
Goldberg: A supreme individual effort by me, Greg Goldberg.

Oh Goldberg, if only you knew what was coming to you. Before the first puck is dropped Gunner Staal mutters an Icelandic phrase to Jessie. Jessie, an African-American, has no idea what Staal is saying obviously because he is black. He asks Staal what the phrase means, and the response is 'you'll find out'. They do. A goal is quickly scored by the monstrous Staal. To make matters worse, Dean Portman is thrown out three seconds into the game for 'accidently' pimp slapping the ref. He breaks stuff in the locker room, yells, and cries. Emotions fly high in this film. The icing on the cake is the injury of future Gretzky, Adam Banks. Oh dear lord. What has the quack attack gotten into!?

12-1 is the final score of this first match. "Pathetic," Bombay tells his team. His response from the team is that he was eating ice cream with the enemy. This is clearly an appropriate time to bring this up. Stanton has found a way to make a Jesus Christ figure like Bombay into a Judas figure. Genius villain technique. Gordon even tells his boy wonder crush Charlie that he doesn't see Ducks, he sees USA one loss from elimination. The team is asleep in class from being sprinted; the sprint scene is the first scene in any movie we see the Ducks not dancing or throwing footballs at practice so it goes without question they'd be tired after 8 sprints. (TEAM USA???) Thank god that smoke show Coach McKay puts Bombay in his place with that voice of hers and reminds him that its about 'fun'. Every Olympic and champion coach knows that 'fun' is what makes winners win.

The team is on the brink of destruction. So what saves them? Duh. A pick up hockey game in South Central, LA. For those of you not familiar with Compton, The LBC, and any ghetto area, hockey is the main priority. Movies tend to mislead and say basketball is the number one game in the hood but Disney does not ignore the truth and shows the hood for what it is-- the home of hockey. That's right. Hockey. All the gangbangers, pimps, and even drug dealers all had a dream of playing in the NHL at one point. (Fun Fact: Biggie Smalls original dream was to play for the Hartford Wailers growing up.) After a little bit of puck on the pavement and 'Whoop There it Is' off of Jock Jams volume six the team is back and ready. I dare you not to shed a tear when the ghetto 'Sandlot of Hockey' kids whisper 'GO USA'. Deeply moving scene. (Best scene-- After breaking a window with a puck, the car owner laughs and throws the puck back to the kids. Reminds of all the times this happened to me growing up. Nothing makes people happier than when you break their windows.)

After kissing Coach McKay for learning how to 'change it up' (the hardest part of hockey), running to the bench late mimicking a duck, burning a picture of himself in a barrell, and an apology the Ducks are headed for the gold again. The 'FLYING V' ensures the win of the Ducks next game, and the road to victory looks brighter than ever. Why nobody feels the need to poke check or put pressure on the 'V' adds to mystery of Bombay's genius. Charlie contributes to the fire adding Kenan Thompson from 'Goodburger' to the team. Not only does he make a delicous burger, he has a knucklepuck from the Gods. Charlie scouting in South Central is a technique soon to be followed by more NHL coaches.

USA has done it. They're facing Iceland. So for a last practice why get strategical? Instead they do what all Stanley Cup and gold medal winning athletes do the last practice of the year, kick around a beach ball of course. But then it happens. Fog shoots from the ice and Stanton enters the rink. He pops the beach ball saying playtime is over. "We're right here coach," says Portman defending his idol. Bombay even takes it further telling Stanton he was a disgrace to the NHL "SHOW ME THE FAMOUS TRIPPLE DEKE YOUR DADDY SHOWED YOU," says Stanton. A one on one battle pursues. Bombay was not offended by the comment regarding his dead father, clearly it is the comment offending the tripple deke; this move is beyond complicated. Some of the best hockey skaters can't stick handle from side to side like Gordon does. Before he is about to win, Stanton cheaply knocks Bombay out saying get your coach off the ice with a tone so chilling that even the most masculine men would be startled. Revenge is coming, Wolf.

The game starts out interesting for the final match with Iceland. Adam Banks awakes with 'the pain all gone' from a nights sleep like all injured players do the morning of a championship. Even more interesting is the team captain gives up his skates to help Coach in the championship; why do we not see this more often? Take some notes Derek Jeter. Bombay prepares the team saying to fly straight, just incase they were thinking of flying gay, and the game begins. Iceland scores right away and even taunt Goldberg as 'big boy', as Disney once again proves the Iceland not only hates Americans, but fat people too.

It gets rougher. Iceland knows that Kenan has a deadly knuckle puck shot, and covers him so that he is unable to perform. Down 2-0 in the opening minutes of the championship Averman once again points out the unnoticeable--"Iceland is bigger! They're faster! Stronger! And they have more facial hair!" Right he is. Facial hair seems to be the main aspect that separates the talent between these two teams. To make matters worse an Icelandic fag almost takes off Adams Banks arm with a deadly slash to which he laughs and says, "Two minutes well worth it." Two minutes in the box is nothing for these monsters. Everything is failing for the ducks. When Bombay calls for a desperate 'Flying V', Iceland answers with a V that knocks them down. It took a genius like Wolf Stanton to realize that if you put pressure on the 'Flying V' it is bound to fall. Nobody else thought of this before.

But things turn for the better. The Bash Bros come out screaming, "PARTY!" and wrecking havoc. Personally, nothing gets me more aggressive and pumped up on the ice than screaming 'party' so I was glad the movie fit this aspect of the game in the script. They give the puck to figure skating Kenny Wu and he femininely places the puck in the net. When the announcer cries, "WU WU KENNY WU!" it is reminiscent of Al Michaels crying, "Do you believe in miracles!" after USA beat the Soviets. To make the scene even more realistic, Wu beats up the Icelandic goalie half his size to celebrate dropping 'stick, gloves, and shirt'. Ken Wu is now the third bash brother, and it makes me wonder if this fight was similar to a gang initiation. With the team down two goals in the championship the other two Bash Bros skate around taunting Iceland recieveing misconducts. This is all part of the strategy to win. Stanton knows it too, which is why he orders his men to destroy Connie as she steps on the ice following Wu's antics. Nothing like beating up a woman to get your team back on top.

As Connie proceedes to get beat and nearly raped by Iceland in the corner, Cowboy Dwayne is horrified. He grabs the rope alongside the teams bench and skates out like Indiana Jones; why there is a cowboy rope alongside the bench is never mentioned. He lashes out the rope and ties up the Icelandic player. "We treat ladies with respect where I'm from!" he shouts. (I think they also have sex with each others family members where he is from too, but that is merely a guess.)

The intermission before the third and final period is classic Bombay. He calms the team down and urges them to stop sinking to an immature level. "We're not goons, we're not bullies, we're ourselves. Where you from?" Every player goes over where their from and yells out their city and state. How this pumps them up blows my mind. Bombay once again discovers the secret to winning; this time it is screaming your hometown. The climax of the scene is Jans walking in with a Ducks jersey saying, "WE ARE DUCKS!" How Jans found away to get through security to the locker room with 30 jerseys baffles me, but it works. Ducks fly together. Yes even when the roosters are crowing in the pasture, Dwayne. (Fun Fact: Kenny Wu is from San Francisco..)

The team enters the ice with 'We Will Quack You' playing as they sport their uniforms. "Its the USA Ducks!" exclaims the announcer as if he came in his pants. The Ducks come out on fire and are a new team. Why? New uniforms obviously. Charlie even conducts a play which resembles an alley-oop from the NBA which totally defies the rules of icing and offsides. It works though, because clearly the officials are too distracted by the soaring beautiful puck. To make thins better, Luis Mendoza scores on a breakaway because he learned how to stop. Most goalies would watch the player stop and simply knock or grab the puck but thanks to Luis's spanish features the goalie is clearly distracted because he has broken the myth that the Spanish can't stop on skates. To tie the game and put it into overtime Conway and Bombay ingeniously strip Goldberg, and put his pads on Russ Tyler (Kenan), and he skates up and does the knuckle pack maneuver. This is not a legal play in most hockey games, but in the Goodwill Games there is a minor glitch that Charlie must have found within the rules that allows you to switch jerseys, equipment, and position. Great execution all around.

As regulation time ends, the game goes straight to a shootout. Shootout. Overtime? Not in the Good Will games people. Remember, this is the place where you can get two minutes for 'roping'. The shootout comes down to Gunner Staal. What is Bombay's response? But in the backup goalie to face the best player in Iceland. Duh. Gunner comes down shoots and the crowd is silent. Where is the puck!? Most people are smart enough to realize that if its not behind the line the goalie has it but the crowd is not 'most people'. However we find the puck in Julie's glove and The Minnesota Miracle Man has done it once again. "YOU LOST IT FOR ME," says a cold Stanton. "You lost it for yourself," replies a noble Staal. "Let's go shake their hands." He even tells 'Captain Duck' Charlie he had a good game. I guess that he is the exception to the rule that all Icelandic people are going to rot in hell.

The film ends as Charlie runs with the American flag in his arms on the ice. America wins. Bombay Wins. Iceland loses. Once again the ducks prevail. This movie is magical people. The lessons, love, and teamwork displayed in the film bring us all to a place of happiness whether we are from Texas with the roosters or gay Asians from San Francisco. This movie is timeless, as is Bombay's legacy.